So here we are. I’ve consciously lived for 19 years (I think) and here I am. Staring into this draft and perfectly content. As I scroll through my feed on Instagram today - the first day of 2019, I see many posts about 2018bestnine, and A. LOT. of throwback videos stories about the amazing year everyone’s had.

In the span of a short year that seems like such a blur, I’ve come close to what could’ve been and realised what should never be, and yes, they’re both the same thing. I’ve traveled to places I never thought I’d visit and loved it. I’ve spiralled through that life I thought I wanted and now in complete awareness of the life I don’t actually want.

For as long as I’ve lived it wasn’t till it was too late I realised I’ve been going through the motions. I’ve been scratching the surface in everything I’ve done and I’ve never fully committed to any experience of any kind. I wish I...

Over the years I’ve observed and I’ve witnessed the complications of human connections and relationships. I’ve always been on the outside looking in, drawing inspiration from other people’s experience.

It’s a concept. It’s a beautiful, twisted, incomprehensible concept. When you think you’ve got it, it surprises you. And it is a process.

By no means I deem myself the best person to talk about this, much less give advice. But I learn and I’m still learning. Everybody is.

How do you love a person? That’s a loaded question. It seems easy, and it should be effortless. I guess it’s a learning journey - when you start dating someone, it’s like you’re taking a new module or a new class. You start with your 101s and then you dive a little deeper and eventually, you learn so much about this person and you’re acing every test there is.

But I think it’s safe to say you never really truly...

I used to contemplate the truth behind every tumblr post I reposted. Every gif, every photo of a couple entwined in each other, every cigarette left out in the cold from a window in NYC.

The common theme of these photos are of course, what a lot of us think we relate to. Being so desperately and hopelessly in love that you want every inch of him wrapped around you. Being so lonely you have a smoke by the kitchen window. Now these things seem pretty melodramatic in a way, and no matter how many of them I repost and attempt to relate to, I guess I never knew how.

It is comforting to know that somewhere on this earth, in a completely different timezone, there are people like you. People who feel the same emotions you do, and in my case, don’t.

It’s been a tumultuous first half of 2018. I’ve experienced things I’ve somehow convinced myself I was never going to in this life. For some...

Will you dare
Wake up, and know that you’re loved
Take responsibility for the ones who love you
Know that you’re good enough

Will you dare
Trust the ones who love you
Let your heart shatter
Into little pieces you can’t pick up

Will you dare
Disappoint the ones who love you
Make your damnedest mistakes
It doesn’t matter if it hurts

Will you?

You’re more than “what’re you doing tonight”
You’re more than feeling lonely
You’re more than “you decide”
You’re more than empty words

You’re more than hurt, you’re fucking more than that
You’re more than crying into your pillow at 2:37am
You’re more than unreturned texts

Come sit with me, maybe then you’ll see, maybe then you’d finally.
You’re more in this world, my friend.

We often fall unknowingly, victim to our own expectations. We put so much on our shoulders and we ask too much of ourselves. In the end, after all that was said that needed to be done, we still fall short and we end up being the disappointment that we always knew we’d be.

It’s something I’m still slowly learning to overcome. It’s no secret that nobody’s perfect, they’ve made songs about it and it’s the staple of every “Faith restored in humanity” post on Facebook.

It’s always easier to forgive others for the same mistakes you’ve made; the mistakes you’ve beat yourself up about. It doesn’t matter what they’ve done wrong, it always comes right back to you and you ask yourself if there was something that you never did or anything you could’ve done better.

So the 22nd was finally here and after what seemed like ages from when we booked our flight, we were on our way to Krabi, Thailand. It was our first times in this part of the Land of Smiles.

Naturally, we did what all tourists do, we stopped by first at a tour agency to browse through the myriad of tour packages that they offer. There were combinations of sea and land activities, but we were pretty set on a few so we decided to hit the weekend market first for some food.

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The moment we turned the curb we were greeted by a young girl in full dress costume, performing what I assumed was a traditional form of dance while the tourists and locals watched on. Countless makeshift stalls of scuba-diving gear, ocean packs, and souvenirs stretched along the entrance of the market.

And then the smoky fragrance of barbequed meat hit our noses and we were instantly on the lookout for the...

In 2016, I found myself the most distant from my life goals, I fell victim to the vicious cycle of corporate hours and the hours I had left did not go to the things I’m passionate about.

This may sound like the introduction to a 500-word rant about how horrible 2016 was. Well it’s not. Like I could write 500 words, come on.

2016 was an eye-opener for me. While I spent most of my time in the office, I found lifelong friends in the people who survived the late nights when we had snacks for dinner. This was also the year I had to come to terms with office politics and the cruelty of it, not physically, but how much damage it causes to personal relationships.

But that’s alright. We usually find the most unlikely confidant in people and it’s always liberating to find that person.

2017 will be a busy year, resolutions were made and while I fully intend on keeping to them, let’s just...

These are the nights I dread; the ordinary nights. I’m home from an eventful work day having completed a few outstanding tasks, and I’ve never felt emptier than I have on nights like these.

It’s quite an indescribable feeling I must say, but I’ll try to explain this, the only way I know how and I’m not sure anyone would understand.

It’s incomplete, and unsatisfying, it’s coming home after work, thinking you’re done for the day and all you need to do now is sleep and start a new work day tomorrow. I feel unfulfilled. The last thing I’d wish upon myself is to feel trapped in a monotonous cycle. The time I spent in school I spent it fighting the corporate claws and its soul-sucking hours, and by golly am I living the dream!

I am content, I wouldn’t trade this job for anything else, right now. I guess I’m just holding out for something, more. There has to be more, right?