It’s all good

So here we are. I’ve consciously lived for 19 years (I think) and here I am. Staring into this draft and perfectly content. As I scroll through my feed on Instagram today - the first day of 2019, I see many posts about #2018bestnine, and A. LOT. of throwback videos stories about the amazing year everyone’s had.

In the span of a short year that seems like such a blur, I’ve come close to what could’ve been and realised what should never be, and yes, they’re both the same thing. I’ve traveled to places I never thought I’d visit and loved it. I’ve spiralled through that life I thought I wanted and now in complete awareness of the life I don’t actually want.

For as long as I’ve lived it wasn’t till it was too late I realised I’ve been going through the motions. I’ve been scratching the surface in everything I’ve done and I’ve never fully committed to any experience of any kind. I wish I could say 2019 is going to be different. Maybe I say it to make myself feel better, maybe I say it so people think I’m actually trying.

Well, not for the lack of trying but I think I’ll keep this year’s “resolutions” to myself. It’s going to be a year of discovery and I have never been so desperate to find something. Anything.